Time. It moves at the same constant pace but yet it “feels” differently depending on so many factors. I have never handled time well but now it is a whole new game. Tonight after hours of looking at pictures without having planned to do it I find myself replaying things in my head.
In July my world spun out of control. I have had moments of every possible emotion and action that you might think except the one that scares everyone the most. I think I just have too many people whispering constantly in my ear to even allow me to get to that point of despair. I can’t even explain it, or how or why, but I have always had “something” that has been driving me to #keepgoing and it feels like it matters more than I even realize. So I started thinking about the last few months and all that I have experienced, the people I have met, the changes, the horrors, the good, the bad and the ugly (and yes there has been all of that) and there is one recurring theme.
Well, I guess 2 because there will always be a piece of my heart that is all for the boy with the blue eyes that squeezed my neck so tight. That piece will always hold the deepest of sorrows, the purest of joys, the biggest questions, the most unanswered prayers and the largest hole that nothing will ever fill. It is an ache that is physical, actual pain of a broken heart, that will never fully heal for that I am 100% certain.
But, the other recurring theme that seems to be driving me and that I’ve been told is actually visible as a positive light when I am in that space of sharing, is my desire to actually make a difference, a true positive change in the lives of others and in a way that carries them to places they may not have even known existed. I am fueled by bringing a positive energy to those who need to know that there is more to life than existing and to help them find their inner joy. I have been talking to people of all ages, color, nationality, size, etc and through it all I have noticed a few things. I do not judge, it just is not part of my makeup. I genuinely care for the person I am talking to and how they are doing in life. I am talking to them both for my comfort and theirs and I am truthful and transparent. Because of this I believe that everyone has done the same. I have met incredible people.
I have met some who are struggling to thrive in society but have the biggest hearts. I have met some who are fearful and some who are brave. I have had very open conversations with so many, some of it about my son Zach and some just life, and through it all there has always been a great amount of love and respect shared. The interesting part of all of this to me is that while I was going through life in a semi fog, and having these meetings and conversations, I was also forging ahead to actually attempt to move towards helping others and working on the building up of Intentional Heart. In a time when everything is hard, this was easy. While I have trouble with basic things like food and sleep I seem to be thriving in an area of complexity…the foundation of a non profit that is on it’s way already to be truly spectacular. So that brings me back to time and how it flows. In just a few short months, while meeting a tribe of wonderful souls that have touched my life and hopefully I have touched theirs…this also happened.
We went from nobody really doing anything for Intentional Heart, to a 5 member board of women who have giant hearts and incredible gifts to share and have already had 2 meetings. We have several others who are actively helping to get things going. We have organized and filed for our 501(c)3 status with the help of professionals who did not charge us to do so. We have several programs that are being tossed around as potential for next year. We have had offers to collaborate and fiscal sponsorship. We have gone from an idea that I spawned earlier this year, into a living breathing organization that is fueled by many. The irony of this does not escape me. My son took his last breath in July and this organization is just getting air. These are the moments that for a Christian like myself I have to look up into the sky with an open heart and open mind and say nothing. I listen and try to hear. I look for signs of Zach everywhere and know that he is not alone. I do not question when I sit on a beach meeting with someone, who unknowingly to each of us prior to this day, is about to be the first official assistant to the Executive Director (me) …I do not question when a single butterfly floats by to draw my attention to the land mass that is 13 miles out and that a few months earlier took his last breathe and a few days earlier took many tears from eyes as I sailed away for what felt like goodbye yet again. I did not question it because it is not the first, nor will it be the last, time when I was frozen in a moment that I knew was meant for me. Time, that was moving slower but not really. That is what happens in grief for me. These moments of time where I know magic is happening, there is something that slows it down just enough for me to take notice. To experience the magic. Today one of our board members gifted me with magical unicorn socks just because she thought they were perfect for me. I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many magical people.
There will be moments over the next few years when we will all stop and catch our breath. It is these moments that will be woven together to form the memories of our beginning. It is my hope that we can help others to be more intentional about noticing their own moments and pausing long enough to hold on to them. Thank you for listening to the ramblings of a grieving Mom and a partial shell of the creative person that I once was. I invite you to ramble right along side me and discover some of what makes you magical too.